Loneliness
There has been a lot of attention given to loneliness recently, especially since the pandemic. Studies show an increase of most negative emotions since the pandemic started, including loneliness. After all, we are social, and it feels good to have people in our lives. Chronic loneliness can lead to serious physical health risks.
In unpacking loneliness, we should start with the definition. It’s the stress (pain) resulting from the perceived relationships you think you need, and the way you understand the relationships you have with others. So, the equation is the difference (gap) between the relationships you think you need, and what you think you have.
First, feeling lonely does not mean that your brain is broken, it’s a signal that your brain is working properly. It’s your brain’s way of signaling a problem. Second, it has nothing to do with weakness. Third, notice that the definition says nothing about being physically around people. Why does this matter? Simply put, you need to understand the problem before you treat it effectively.
Most advice for treating loneliness involves changing the environment. This includes getting involved in groups and being around people. These solutions may help, but they’re general (external) solutions to a personal (internal) issue. Remember the equation, loneliness is an issue with perceived need compared to perceived relationships. In other words, it’s an internal issue.
Fortunately, as bad as loneliness feels, it holds the directions to solving the problem. While focusing on external solutions is like solving a problem without understanding the question, focusing inward (on the cause of your loneliness) provides a clearer problem.
So, how do I work through loneliness?
1) Self-acceptance: Acknowledge what your loneliness shows about you that is positive (like how much you value close relationships).
2) Notice the feeling: Pay attention to a moment when you feel lonely.
3) Identify your negative thoughts (perception): Write down what about your situation is specifically making you feel lonely.
4) Reframe your perception: Have compassion for yourself, be realistic, see positives
5) Make a change (if needed): AFTER working through this, now you’re ready to make specific changes to your external situation.
Sometimes it helps to pay attention to the value in alone time. I like to remind clients that they’re never really alone. They always have themselves. Spending time with “you” should be a privilege! Who else in the world has ALL the same interests.
So, try to be good with you… then, you just might find the connections you’re looking for.
